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Why, how & when to Flirt

Why, how & when to Flirt


Flirting has a bad name. Too often, it seems a supreme form of duplicity, a sly attempt to excite another person and derive gratification from their interest, without any corresponding wish to go to bed with them. It looks like a manipulative promise of sexual affection, that, at the last moment, leaves its targets confused and humiliated. In our sadness, back home alone after the nightclub or the party, we may rail against the flirt for ‘only’ flirting, when it appeared there would be so much more. But this kind of pattern represents only one, unedifying and regrettable possibility around flirting. At its best, flirting can be a vital social process that generously lends us reassurance and freely redistributes confidence and self-esteem. The task is not to stop flirting, but to learn how better to practice its most honorable versions. Good flirting is, in essence, an attempt driven by kindness and imaginative excitement to inspire another person to believe more firmly in their own likeability, psychological, as much as physical. It is a gift offered not in order to manipulate, but out of a pleasure of perceiving what’s most attractive in another. Along the way, the good flirt must carefully convince us of three apparently contradictory things: that they would love to sleep with us, that they won’t sleep with us; and that the reason why has nothing to do with any deficiency on our part. Good flirting exploits, with no evil intent, an important truth about sex. That is what often most enjoyable about sex is not the physical process itself, so much as the idea of acceptance that underpins the act. The notion that another person likes us enough to accept us in our most raw and vulnerable state, and is, in our name, willing to lose control and surrender aspects of everyday dignity. It is this concept, far more than the deft touching of skin, that is what contributes the dominant share of our pleasure. As we undress someone for the first time, or heed their requests to call them the very rudest words we know. The good flirt knows this, and is therefore spared the guilty sense that they might not be in the position to offer their lover anything valuable. They are wisely convinced that it is eminently possible, simply over a dinner table, in the kitchen at work, to give the person just about the most wondrous aspect of sex itself, simply through the medium of language. The good flirt is an expert, too, in how correctly to frame the fact that there won’t be sex. By a deeply entrenched quirk of a human mind, it’s generally hard for us to hear such news without at once reaching one overwhelming and crushing conclusion: that it is because the seducer has suddenly found us deeply and pervasively repulsive. The good flirt loosens us from such punitive narratives. They powerfully appeal to some of the many genuine reasons why two people might not have sex that have nothing to do with one person finding the other disgusting: for example, because one or both party already has partner, because there is an excessive age gap, gender incompatibility, an office that would disapprove, a difficult family situation, or more simply, a lack of time. Freed from the rigid and blunt opposition that flirting has to be the prelude to actual sex, the good flirt can artfully imply how different things might have been if the world had been more ideally arranged. And the recipient of the flirt can, with equal grace, ascent to the story, without a need to twist it through self-hatred. We all stand in need of reminders of what is tolerable and exciting about us. It’s a desperate foreshortening of possibilities to insist that such reawakening could only be justified by actual intercourse. Understood properly, flirting can beneficially occur across the largest gulfs: gulfs of political belief, of social, economical, marital status, of sexual inclination, and (with obvious caveats) of age. The 26-year-old corporate lawyer and 52-year-old man behind the counter of the corner shop can flirt; and so may the cleaner and the CEO. It is all the more moving when they do so, because it signals our willingness to use the imagination to locate what is most attractive about another person, who lies really very far from one’s own points of reference. The question of what, if I considered someone, anyone sexually, I would find charming is one of the most intimate, interesting and necessary questions one can ask. Flirting matters, because of how rarely most of us get to experience ourselves as desirable. We generally learn, through a rich sequence of rebuffs, and via intelligent modesty, to see ourselves as far from ideal. This picture is not inaccurate, but it isn’t entirely true, either. So the good flirt carries out an important psychological mission: to restore balance to our view of ourselves. They remind us that, for all our failings of character and bodily liabilities, we are in fact, in certain ways, properly appealing, and in a better situation than the one we find ourselves in, a truly interesting person to want to spend a night with. The flirt supplies an antidote to a characteristic sickness of maturity: an excessively negative view of ourselves. A good flirt is doing crucially important social work. They understand that being recognized as erotically appealing is hugely beneficial, and a key to rendering us more patient, more generous, more energetic, and more content. It is a quiet tragedy that this widely consequential need should so often be expected to pass through the desperately narrow gate of sex. The good flirt is wisely and literally trying to give erotic endorsement (with all the benefits this brings) a larger opportunity in life. Liberating it from the tiny difficult window of opportunity, offered by an actual requirement to make love. The good flirt is a pioneer in a crucial democratic science: they are attempting to correctly identify attractiveness in a way that will serve the many, rather than a few. We should not only be grateful to good flirts. We should try to become good flirts ourselves.

Comments (67)

  1. my ex is a good flirt but with someone else

  2. For me is never….. For one I am incapable for two I'd get assaulted dead

  3. and he still didn't say one thing about how or when to flirt,haha

  4. How can I flirt without being a tease?

  5. This is kinda like making a spreadsheet about poetry.

  6. the sound we hear when the lady pulls the guy with a magnet, is exactly like the sound that one of the creatures in Diablo II, makes when slain.

  7. As an Autistic person, this sounds harder to do than rocket science, doing a Rubik's Cube or running a 5k in less than 20 minutes but I can do all those things easily. I don't think I'll ever be able to flirt like the video is suggesting.

  8. Get lot of laids. Take out the L and u get aids

  9. Flirting is impossible for introverts just saying

  10. Flirt with a girl I am not attracted to and she ended up liking me

    I'm dead serious
    I felt like crap afterwards 😔

  11. I understand why, but I didn't take when and how to flirt from the video.

  12. In the USA – if you a British accent you can almost sell anything 🐣

  13. Need your advice here. I've always been cold on girls, never flirted, never complimented, never touched. Now I'm 22 and I want to change that. How can I start being flirtatious when every girl I know will think "What are you doing? That's not you" ??? I'll appreciate you thoughts. Thank you.

  14. Holy shit, this has been my process for maintaining comfortable, friendly, and honest relationships across the spectrum of people I deal with. You mad lads actually philosophized what I thought was me daring to be open and kind in my recognition of others.

  15. the content is interesting but i am here for the voice of the narrator

  16. This is a great video but the title is so misleading which (I guess) is the reason why this has so many dislikes -.-

  17. I have a flirty personality (or so I've been told) and my friendly conversations (with maybe a hint of unintentional flirting) always get me in uncomfortable situations where the other person catches feelings or becomes interested in me in a different way just because of how I spoke to them… this is why it's important to check if someone acts that way around everyone or if it's actual flirting

  18. This video is as useless as sun for bats

  19. Hahahaha!! Now I can justify flirting 🤣🤣. Thanks for this! ❤️❤️😘

  20. Why is this video assuming sex is out of the question ?

  21. 90% bullshit
    10% not even telling you how to flirt.

    Literally, 100% of this channel's videos.

  22. Sadly, because of feminism you cannot safely flirt with women innocently anymore. Just dont do it men you have too much to lose.

  23. One of my favorite lines is "When I first saw you I was thinking, with your ears and my butt, we would have awesome kids !!". This applies to women 18-80. The good flirt is when both parties are included equally, kinda.

  24. Thanks for explaining why to flirt, but you forgot about how and when…….

  25. Very interesting outlook! 👍

  26. Is flirting always sexual? Is there no such thing as non-sexual flirting? After all, one can "flirt" with an idea.

  27. "Do you like me?"
    "Nah, i just like your shoes"
    "Oh"

  28. as great as this is…it still hasnt taught me what it promised in the title

  29. I have 1 basic rule regarding flirting: don’t do it and if someone does it to you, remember the words of our lord Admiral Akbar: it’s a trap.

  30. So…

    what should i tell to that girl i met on school ?

  31. I never get anything out of these videos. Just feels like a gigantic run-on sentence with no thesis.

  32. Thank you for existing
    I rewatch some of your videos years later and i see them in different ways

  33. guys if you are tired of these bullshit, vague, nonsensical audio essays head on over to improvement pill, his videos are longer but he speaks clearly and doest put on some bullshit english accent to try and sound sophisticated, you will close the video with a clear idea of what was said and wont have to rewatch the video to try and make sense of this sophisticated word vomit.

  34. 5k people thought they were gonna learn how to get laid quick xD

  35. I love that video. I think to be able to flirt well and enjoy the lightness of it, I need to let go of my needs. Like when I feel, I need a partner and somebody's flirting with me without any further intention, afterwards I feel kind of fooled or even used.

  36. I knew the illustrator was Nina Cosford😁

  37. You've got me as your daily viewer !!😂👌

  38. Your animation is closely resemble TED-Ed, are you both related? The random change of art style of each video, the smoothness of the animation, the unique art style and etc.

  39. So flirting is a gift you offer to someone else to improve their confidence. Ummm, that's why my confidence if inverted!

  40. This is what i saw – "Why, how and when to fart ?"

  41. But … when to flirt?

  42. So basically as a man I have to convince a woman that they are properly appealing and desirable in a genuine and non-manipulative way. What if the woman is very much used to being hit on and flirted with? What if she is already convinced of her desirable qualities? How can I build her confidence when she has already been assured of it?

  43. It's amazing how differently cultural norms can be among different people.
    Growing up, and even now among the unmarried of my friends/social crew, flirting that even ends in kissing or making out is considered highly successful and fast-paced flirting.
    This video threw me for a loop when it started with the assumption that most people think flirting is supposed to lead to sex.

  44. Asexuals are typing…

  45. This page is great but the language used is highly diplomatic. Please keep it a bit low key so that everyone understands it.

  46. Trying to explain this video to my boyfriend to get his opinion cause I think I may be a bit of a flirt, but without sexual intent, and people know to expect nothing of it. He just said that's normal interaction, but I don't quite think he gets it cause the basis is your sexual attraction to that person.

    I feel like it's kind of about interactions you'd have with someone like a barista for example that you know you'll probably never see again and you maybe exchange a glance that lets you both know you're attracted to each other but it's kind of just a passing positivity.

  47. So… wait. I'm confused. This entire point of this essay is predicated on the assumption that most people view flirting as basically propositioning someone for a hookup. I've never dated or flirted before so maybe I'm just naive, but I had thought that flirting was simply a way to express romantic interest and attraction to someone and find out whether the interest is returned. I had no idea there was an expectation of sex attached to it, much less immediate sex! Like, what if you personally prefer only engaging in sex within a committed, long-term relationship? If most people view flirting the way this video seems to assume they do, it follows I should never flirt until I'm already in a committed relationship! But how does a relationship even begin without a bit of flirting?!
    In addition, the point the video is trying to make doesn't make much sense either. In an ideal world, it would be nice to have a socially sanctioned way of appreciating another person's attractiveness, but in today's world even if you are trying to be "The Good Flirt", how do you avoid sending someone the wrong message? For example, the CEO flirting with the janitor could easily be seen as an attempt at exploitation. Flirting with an attractive stranger at a party without any interest in them as a potential relationship prospect could easily lead to disappointment on their part if you're not on the same page. And how can you be on the same page if the other person hasn't seen this very video?! I think it would be more helpful if they'd accepted the way most people view flirting and then provided practical advice on how to avoid sending the wrong signals. I feel like I've learned nothing.

  48. I would like the man to flirt with me

  49. You are, however, forgetting that there is 'safe' flirting – where you flirt with someone you have no intention of anything going further with, and 'unsafe' flirting – where it is a means to a sexual end. What's most irritating is those who practise unsafe flirting without ever having any intention of carrying through on the expectation they have created.

  50. My flirting is too heavy and direct to be considered flirting. When I approach u know I wanna fuck!

  51. So, social work… as a Light-Worker… &/or a lite-worker.

  52. Sorry is this the Audio book channel on YouTube ? I couldn’t help but be entranced by your relaxing voice, maybe you have other relaxing skills that I don’t know of ? 😉

    If you want to flirt just read books and learn good vocabulary, not always too idiosyncratic , just eloquent enough to fit and not draw too much attention.Gotta paint with words and find out if they like your piece

  53. Interesting take:)

  54. Something is contradictory. While flirting is done in order to see if we can excite somebody, that is self- fulfillment, it looses its "altruistic" intention.
    Flirting is not the same as complimenting, or being kind; that's something we should do. But flirting implies a selfish desire, which is worse when you have a couple already or you're flirting with one person and they realize you're doing the same with some other ones.

  55. You know what I like about these videos? They have a very positive and healthy message.

  56. Do y'all have a video on paying attention bc I literally don't remember a thing from the video lol

  57. Didn't understand a thing, but animations were cool tho.

  58. about the first part of the video: I just find flirting disrespectful and manipulative, and the person who does it not trustworthy. (Not if they are your spouse )

  59. I used to think that love exists but now I do know it's all about mental games.

  60. in asia… this video could get us guys a lot of harrasment lawsuit

  61. Makes your work day a lil easier☺️☺️☺️😊.

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