WASHINGTON: It wasn’t your fault, Connie. CONNIE: Easy for you to say, you didn’t drop the ball. WASHINGTON: The ball got dropped, we were all there. It’s everyone’s responsibility. CONNIE: Damn it, why are you doing that? WASHINGTON: What am I doing? CONNIE: Making excuses for me. I’m not making excuses for myself. Why are you? WASHINGTON: I’m trying to make you feel better. CONNIE: Yeah? Great. Hey? Why don’t you go make Carolina feel better? Go pat Maine on the head? See how that works out for you. WASHINGTON: We all make mistakes. CONNIE: No! We. Don’t. That’s the point! We don’t all make mistakes! Some of use very specifically make mistakes and others don’t seem to make ANY mistakes at all. WASHINGTON: Connie, come on! CONNIE: That’s why they’re doing all this! These… missions! The rankings! They’re drawing a line between us, Wash. And you’re either on one side of that line, or you’re on the other. And it’s getting pretty god damn clear which side I’m on. WASHINGTON: No one thinks like that. We’re a team. CONNIE: I’m not talking about you guys. I mean THEM. Him. WASHINGTON: The Director? He’s given us everything! He’s helping us! CONNIE: Helping us? Wake up! Wake the fuck up! He’s filtering us! This is a selection process, Wash. I don’t know for what, but if you’re not at the top of that board you’re not worth anything to him. WASHINGTON: You’re just overreacting, you’ve always been hard on yourself Connie. CONNIE: Not. As hard as they are. Not nearly as hard as they’re going to be. And don’t call me Connie. Makes me sound like a fucking kid. Call me C.T. C.T.: Oh, and that line I talked about? You better hurry up and figure out what side you’re on, Agent Washington. Before they figure it out for you. TUCKER: Alright, class is in session. Students, line up over here. Teacher on this side. CHURCH: I’m not doing this. TUCKER: Dude, you got a girl coming over. You don’t know what to say to her, you need my help. And the first set of lessons is free. CHURCH: How are you qualified to teach us this stuff?! TUCKER: Are you kidding me? CHURCH: No, no I’m not kidding How are you qualified? You talk about girls all the time, I’ve never seen you with one! TUCKER: I’m- I have lots of- okay just shut up and listen. Stay quiet and hold all your questions until the end. Now before we start, does anyone have any questions? CABOOSE: Uhh, ah yes, I would like to- TUCKER: Aha! That was a trick question. You’re supposed to hold all questions until the end. CHURCH: Oh yeah? Why didn’t you hold your trick question until the end then? TUCKER: The rules don’t apply to me. CABOOSE: Well maybe my question was a… magic question too… TUCKER: Yeah, abracadabra, you’re an idiot. So, we’ve already learned our first lesson, the rules don’t apply to you. Girls like a rebel, someone outside the law. CABOOSE: Like a criminal? TUCKER: Mmm, it depends on the crime. Nothing with animals. See, they want someone with a free and independent spirit. Something that they can crush into a raw material that can then be molded into what they really want. CABOOSE: What do they really want? TUCKER: They don’t know. Which is why you have to tell them what they want. When I’m actually telling them what to do. CABOOSE: That sounds hard. TUCKER: That’s why we’re doing lessons. CABOOSE: Uh, should I- should I be taking notes? TUCKER: Do you even know how to write? CABOOSE: Is that another trick question? …Can I answer it at the end? CHURCH: Getting bored here! TUCKER: Okay, then lets do some role-playing. I’ll give you critiques on your approach. CHURCH: Role playing? TUCKER: Yeah, Caboose, you play the girl. CHURCH: You want Caboose to be the woman? TUCKER: Dude, it’s a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man, trust me. CABOOSE: Uh, okay but what should I say? TUCKER: Just say whatever a girl would say. CABOOSE: Uh, o-okay. Uhh, I just really want to meet someone nice. You know, someone who appreciates me for who I am. Not so much because I’m pretty but, because they really want to get to know me because they want to find out what my interests are. And then we can spend time exploring the world together and sharing all the wonderful things in life that make it wonderful. TUCKER: What? Do you know girls at all? Talk about how much you like shoes! CHURCH: Yeah, and about reality T.V. shows. TUCKER: Here, Church, you start. Just hit on Caboose. Caboose, act like you like Church. CABOOSE: I’ve been preparing for this role for my whole life. TUCKER: Shut up. Okay, Church, your girlfriend just got to base. You see her and you say… CHURCH: Uhh, hey. Hey there. CABOOSE: Hello! Giggle! Blinking eyelashes! Puppies! CHURCH: Okay, alright, I’m out. I can’t do this. TUCKER: Don’t be a baby. Caboose, stop making sound effects. You’re a girl now, girls can’t make sound effects. CABOOSE: Quietly angry. TUCKER: And stop narrating. CABOOSE: Okay, fine. TUCKER: There you go, that’s it! That’s a girl. Okay Church, hit it, action! CHURCH: Uh, uh, hey! What’re you doing? What’s up? Uh, Uh, What’s up with what you’re doing? TUCKER: Smooth. Caboose? CABOOSE: Mhm, okay, uh. [High-pitched] Yes, I was just sitting here, thinking about shoes and celebrities that only have first names! TUCKER: Perfect. CABOOSE: Actually, if you want the truth I feel like I have to say these things to make myself more appealing when I really think that I should just- TUCKER: Stop it. CABOOSE: Okay, sorry. [High-pitched] Okay, sorry. TUCKER: Church, say something rebellious. CHURCH: Uh, okay, I think the working class should… uprise against the… …rich people. TUCKER: I said rebellious, not revolutionary. CHURCH: Oh, okay. I drive a fast car over the speed limit all the time. CABOOSE: [High-pitched] I will go with you anywhere! TUCKER: See! It’s easy!