ArticlesBlog

How do I prepare for a trip home? Facebook Friday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton

How do I prepare for a trip home? Facebook Friday! #KatiFAQ | Kati Morton


Hey everybody. It’s finally Friday. And I am so glad because this week I swear. On Wednesday I was like
‘Wait, it’s not Friday? What?’ So, I’m really glad it’s Friday. Oh my god. I’m going out with a girlfriend tonight. To catch up and to see
her little baby boy. Because he’s so cute. So. Anyways. I’m doing the old school thing still. Because Sean has my laptop and it’s making
my life difficult and everything is odd. But, if you haven’t been to my youtube
channel on a Friday before. When it’s Friday I’m on facebook. So if you have any questions
that you want to ask. If any of you are new, welcome. But I have a little schedule that I keep. So Tuesdays I’m on tumblr. Wednesdays I’m on the website
and youtube. Thursdays I’m on twitter. And Friday’s I’m on facebook. So you can ask your questions accordingly. And I answer, probably about ten a day. And then I do these. So, I try to get through as many as I can. But it’s just really hard. I get a lot of questions. So keep asking, don’t
give up hope. Okay. Now, without further adieu. My first question. Oh, and I have a journal topic that I put
together that I found on pintrest. Which was really cool. So if you are looking for
art therapy ideas. And journal topics. Pintrest is a great place to search. Okay. First question. ‘Hey Kati. I’m finally on
the cusp of success.’ Hooray! ‘I’m just scared that if I make myself
100% vulnerable,’ ‘And give my job literally everything that
I have. That I am going to fail.’ ‘My office is expanding next month and
I am just scared of moving.’ ‘And in two or three months later it not
panning out. I know I will be fine.’ ‘My self doubt is just clouding my mind.
What’s your advise?’ Now the interesting thing about us, Those of us with a negative voice
at some point in our head. Or if we have ever struggled with self
harm, depression, if we’ve had a trauma. When things go well for us. And we see that things are moving forward
and it’s getting really exciting. And you know, you are really starting to
actually accept it and get excited about it. Then we all of a sudden have this
freak out moment where like, ‘Holy shit, this could all go wrong.
I don’t know what to do. Oh my god.’ Because in the past we have
had that experience. Things have not gone the way that
they were supposed to. People have treated us not the way
that they are supposed to. And if any of you are feeling this way. Where you really want to try something. You really want to do something
but you are afraid to jump. You’re afraid to do it for the fear that,
you know, once you do then the, You know, the ground drops out
from underneath you. And you’re lost. Is, number one, obviously. And you’re all probably annoyed by this. Is to talk back to that voice. We have to take time to kind of,
we’re going to use some of our CBT skills. We’re going to dig into that tool box. We’re going to pull out what we
call ‘downward arrow questioning’. But I’m just going to call it, Or what I say to clients is, let’s logically
talk this out and question through it. So our first question is. So you’re afraid that you are going to
fail. And you know, everything will drop out. So if that happens what would that mean? Well now I’m in a new place and you know
that’s just really depressing. Okay. Well what are the, so you’re in a
new place and it didn’t pan out. So what does that mean? And what does that mean? And what does that mean? We go through all these questions. To figure out what it really is that we
are so scared of. Is it simply that we feel that we are a
failure at the core of us. Is it that trying new things really
makes us anxious. Is it, what is it that’s causing this. Because once we know that. Then we can better attack it. And we can better prepare ourselves
for this really exciting opportunity. Because once we have all that information, Then we know how to talk back to it. Often times we get caught up talking
back to those first few thoughts. Like, you know, I’m just kind of scared. And I’m a failure. And I’m a loser. Without actually thinking through where
all those thoughts are coming from. Does that make sense? I know it’s a little like
existential or abstract. It’s hard to kind of put our hands on it. But I want you to figure out where all of
these worries and thoughts are coming from. I want you to talk back to that. And then the second thing that
we are going to try and do. Is just preparing ourselves. So changing jobs, moving. Those are all things that fall in the top. I think it’s the top ten most stressful
events in someone’s life. In that there is also death of a
close family member, divorce, All sorts of things like that. And so we can plan so that
the stress isn’t so intense. We can start looking into apartments. How much that would cost. When would I be moving. What would that mean. How can I prepare. Is there a therapist I need to get
set up with when I get there. Possibly. Is there a group that I would like
to find out if they have. I should start looking into it. I should start asking those at work
what this really means. And what its going to be like. And is there any way I can
prepare for it more. Because the sooner we do that,
the less worry there is. The less stress in the moment there is. If we already know who
we will call to move us. Then we just make that call. And we have already kind of prepped them. If we already have an idea of a few
places where we would like to live. Then it makes finding an
apartment much easier. Talk to our family about it. We just need to get our support
team and ourselves on board. And prepared for this transition. Because as exciting as change is,
it can be really stressful. And sometimes I find it can cloud
over all of that excitement. And all of the amazing things that
we’ve done to get us where we are. Okay.
And let me know how it goes. And if any of you have tips
and tricks to share with this. To kind of get through that worry
of failure and things not panning out. Can you let us know below. Okay. Question number two: ‘Hey Kati, I lost a child eight years
ago to a heart defect.’ ‘He was four years and nine months old.’ I’m so sorry for your loss. ‘I have been coping better with it
over the past couple of years.’ ‘But I am struggling really badly now.
I had a miscarriage two months ago.’ ‘I was 22 weeks pregnant. And I understand
this is probably what has sent me backwards.’ ‘My question is, how do I heal from losing
my son and the recent loss with the,’ ‘Miscarriage in a way that makes it, so it
wont keep coming back to haunt me.’ ‘Of course, I never want to forget my son.
And I’ll never stop wanting him back.’ ‘But I struggle to get through
the day at the moment.’ First of all. I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly, I can’t even imagine
what you’re feeling. And i am so sorry that you have had
to deal with this and the miscarriage. And for those of you who have
struggled and had miscarriages. I often feel like people don’t give that the
grieving time and the respect that it deserves. Because having a miscarriage
is losing someone. It’s a death in the family. And we need to take time to grieve it. And so what we do when this happens. Now, this person is completely right. Having the miscarriage brought up all of
the stuff that we had already kind of tried, To deal with and stuff down. Or however we were managing
it from before. From losing our child earlier. And losing another,
it just stirs that all up. It’s like a lot of my patients who have
lost like a parent or a grandparent. Then when they lose another
member of their family, Even if they weren’t as close to
that member of the family. It stirs up all of the stuff from the
first person that passed away. Because it’s so closely linked, right. We’ve lost someone we really cared about. We really loved. We can’t imagine how life can go on. And grief is a really funny thing to go through. And it comes and goes. And even years after it will
still come and go. But what I would encourage you
to do in this scenario. Is first of all. Please please please see a therapist. Often times we just need
a safe place to cry. To talk about it. To vent about how unfair things are. And to just say the things that we might
not feel comfortable sharing with our spouse. Because through their own version of it. Or our friends. Because they might not know what to say. And it can make us feel awkward. And we don’t want to cry in public. Or, you know, give yourself the
space to deal with that. And to have a safe place to
go to manage through it. And I would also encourage you,
ask your doctor. This is what I would do. Ask your OBGYN, or
whoever is your physician. Where, because I’m sure they have them. As long as you are kind
of in a city centre. Or at least the hospital
has it’s own group. Often times hospitals
themselves will have groups, For grieving parents
who have lost children. Now everybody’s going to be coming from
different views and different scenarios. But it can be so incredibly healing to
hear that you are not alone. And the thoughts that you
think about it aren’t bazaar. And don’t make you crazy. And it is so nice. And that can also lead to friendships. You know, with the other women
or men in the group. And I would just really encourage
you to seek that out. Because even over your own therapy which
is very pivotal to you processing through this. Group can really be healing. So I would encourage you to do that. To look into that. Ask your physician. They know of groups. Almost every hospital has one. And that could really help you heal. So that this doesn’t keep
coming up over and over. Obviously we are never going to forget
our loved ones who have passed away. But we have to find a way where
it’s not so in our everyday life, That it’s so palpable that
we can’t even get things done. Am I right? And if any of you have any links. Or things that you want to share for how
to find groups like that, in different areas. Please share them below. Because I am sure that there
are other people out there, That are hurting that
haven’t asked a question. And the more areas and things
that we can find for them the better. Okay. Now question number three: ‘Hey Kati, I’m going to be
visiting my parents soon.’ ‘And I find that seeing them triggers
a lot of negative thoughts.’ ‘I fear they will be judging my body, etc’ ‘Is there anything I can do to prepare
so that I can enjoy it more?’ Now I hear this a lot. My parents are, you know,
dysfunctional in general. Or they don’t eat properly. Because they are always on diets. Or they say things
that are really hurtful. Or they are always yelling at each other. Or whatever. Now the best thing that we can do is plan. Plan for our trip. Plan outings on a day that may
be filled with family stuff. At the end, go out with your friends. Plan a friend to pick you up
and take you to lunch. Make plans. Bring your tools. Bring your journal. Bring your music. If there are other things
that you can bring. If you like to do art and stuff. Make sure you have some kind
of things available to you. So that you can do it when you are there. Because the thing that I find. Is that when we go home, we kind of
revert back to the way that we used to be. And families really know
how to poke our buttons. And they can really get us stirred up. So the more prepared we are. The better. And there is so many things
that you can bring with you. So many things that you can do. Just know that you are never stuck there. Always know you have a way out. Whether you call a friend to come get you. You call a cab. You lift it. You walk to town. You go to the library and
spend half the day. Just make some plans to get you
out of the house periodically. So that you don’t feel so stuck there. And like you can’t escape
what they are saying. You can’t escape their eating habits. Make it safe for you. And then, those are your boundaries. Once you have plans, you have
things that you are doing. I would just say if they are going
to get into a huff and be like, ‘You’re not spending enough time with me’. Be like, ‘I have to see people from my life
too. And this has to be fun for me too.’ ‘And I love you, and I’ll be back.’ But you’re, you know. Just set some boundaries. Show some respect both ways. And I think that you’ll feel a lot better. Just bringing our tools. And preparing. Know what works for you,
and what doesn’t. But make sure that you bring all that
stuff so that you are more prepared. So that you don’t feel like you are out
of your house and out of your element. And you have nothing to help you. Okay. And if any of you have helpful
tips and tricks on that too. Let us know. Now the journal topic. Okay, so it’s more of an art project. And I just really like this and I have
actually used to do this, In this old group I ran at the eating disorder
clinic called the Body and Soul group. Now this is, ‘What does your soul look like?’ Let’s get creative this week and pull out your
crayons, your markers, your paint and your paper. What do you visualise your soul to look like. Is it bright orange? Is it red? Is it deep purple? Is it swirling? Is it scattered? Is it focused on one thing? What’s your soul look like? And then take some pictures. And share them. Tweet them to me. Send them to me on instagram. Anything. I’d love to see your beautiful artwork. Now have a wonderful weekend. I will see you all on Monday. And Tuesday I will be on tumblr. So ask your questions there using the
#KatiFAQ It’s finally Friday! Bye! Subtitles by the Amara.org community

Comments (20)

  1. Thank you! I'm going home in two weeks havnt seen my mom for a year, this was really helpful 🙂

  2. Question 2- What I have been doing in coping in losing my childhood friend is writing to him. I write to him on Facebook and write him letters. I tell him what I did today and how he would of thought how something was funny and how something reminded me of him. There is nothing like that knee-jerk reaction right in the gut when you remember that they are gone when you forgot, so I write to him. I'm so not ready for Christmas. It's going to be so hard.

  3. Great video as usual Kati 🙂
    In relation to your example of moving- I'm moving to Australia next month and I need to find a therapist in the city I'm moving to. Do you have any advice on how to find a 'good' therapist? I don't even know where to start. Many thanks, Lizzy 🙂

  4. I have to say getting old (30) has made fear almost non existent. However the anxiety may still be there but deff not as much. Luv ya Kati!

  5. I wish you were my therapist. You really get things! It is really hard to find a good therapist where I am that takes my insurance, but then again you don't take insurance either, so maybe all the best therapists don't take insurance anymore 🙁 Perfect timing for talking about change! I have a ton of good changes that are going to happen soon and I am excited, but also really overwhelmed! 

  6. i have stumbled on to places where parents talked about how they lost children and one woman says she still says she has 5 children because the first one was a miscarriage/death when she was 6 months preg with him

    she goes back and forth on saying it depending on who she is talking to because she doesnt like to explain (i dont know how i always end up stumbling on the weirdest things) but i have a feeling this was in a blog that i used to be a part of and it was a weird question that got asked

    thx for this awesomely ha bisky Q and A

  7. when I had a miscarriage I have always done something to remember the life lived, even though it was too short.  I have had a couple, but the one that hit me hard was my triplets and that I had an ultrasound picture.  So it felt to me more real (and that may be horrid to say – but for me it is the truth).  I made a box for them.  Decorated it how I would have done the nursery.  And inside I put poems, the ultrasound picture, teddy bears, things that made me think of them.  And I grieved.  It still hits hard some days, but making that for them really helped me with the process.  Unfortunately, miscarriage is a death that isnt given the respect.  People tell you all sorts of things, tell you it was for the best, etc.  But it was still a life, and it matters just as much.  xoxo 

  8. Such a relavant topic for me today. Thanks so much!

  9. Can you please make a video on how to know when you're close to recovered/recovered? I have been in recovery for over 7 months now and haven't had any "fat thoughts" or ed behaviors in 26 days. How long would it take for me to fully consider myself recovered? I would really appreciate your feedback.<3

  10. #katifaq  hi kati I just found out my diagnosis is major depressive disorder so I searched your videos and I didn't see any Monday videos on major depressive disorder I was just wondering if you would consider doing one.  Thx

  11. This is a weird question what do u think of proana websites videos are bad or helpful

  12. #katifaq  Hey Kati, I have just been assessed by a new counsellor and she has offered me 10 sessions. I have BPD and quite a lot of complicated issues so I'm wondering if 10 sessions is really going to make a big difference to me? Will we even make progress in that time? Confused.com @Kati Morton 

  13. HI I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS KATI <3

  14. 'talk back to that voice…' yes  what is the cause, where is this from? another thing to ponder. thanks Kati. a great workbook seems to be helping ger up and plan. it is called the tools by Schultz the first tool which may apply to the first question is the reversal of   desire

  15. #katifaq hi kati, I've been dealing with self harm for over a year now, on and off but its gotten worse. No one knows about it because I haven't really got an "understanding" family. Now and then they ask me how I got the scars and I'm running out of ideas. I'm scared and confused and idk how to talk to them. Thank you. Your Videos are so helpful.
    P.s I've been having depression type feelings for roughly the same time but I'm so scared to get help…. where to I start? Xx

  16. Is it okay if you tell your psychologist and or therapist what sort-of therapy you need? Also, how do I tell my psychologist and or therapist what sort-of I need?

  17. #KatiFAQ When are you && Courtney gonna do another video together?!?! /:

  18. #katifaq I have all these medical conditions that the doctors just say that I need to lose weight for them to improve and/or change my diet, and I know that they are right but I just can't seem to control my eating. They don't seem to think I can have an ED though as I'm so overweight. I'm scared of them all getting worse but no one is helping me. I don't know what to do (NB: I'm in the UK so can't just see a different doctor and can't afford to go private and can't access therapy). I just can't see a way forward and am sick of feeling ill and out of control all the time. They just make me feel like it's my fault and I've brought it all on myself and I should therefore sort it out myself.

  19. I really appreciated your response to the person who had lost a child and had a miscarriage. Your response also applies to people struggling with infertility.
     
    When you realize that you will never be able to have your own biological child, it is as if your child, the child of your dreams and hopes, has died. That grief is not abated by adoption or fostering. Friends and family don't recognize the depth of your loss, especially since the realization comes gradually, usually after a long, painful, expensive, and often private struggle. 
     
    As an additional resource, I can recommend Resolve.org. They have a lot of resources for infertility, but they also provide a lot of forums, several of which provide good online groups to open up with and grieve with over miscarriages, stillbirths, and dealing with not being able to conceive at all.  

  20. About groups: I live in the Midwest, where there aren't many groups, mental health care, etc. I found www.dailystrength.org 5 years ago  and it's been so great. DS has an ED group, a bereavement group, etc.

Comment here