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Dad and Son Intervention | Social Media Documentary Series | Kill Your Content

Dad and Son Intervention | Social Media Documentary Series | Kill Your Content


I’m Dad and The Champ here. Uh, Eddie and Colton. We’re trying to get as much of him out into the world as possible because someone’s going to see that and latch onto it and go, “This is going to resonate with certain people.” My kid, at one point, showed interest in baseball. And I’m like, “Perfect.” Something’s going to happen there, so I just threw him out there. We didn’t practice because I’m not really like a dad in the park trying to throw balls back and forth or whatever. That’s not the point. The point is I … I captured it all on video. Yes! Like that. Make contact with that ball, okay? Ahh! Ohh. You know, I didn’t even teach him this one. This was just completely improvised on his part. He decided to open up to it and take it right in the chest. I was like – I was flabbergasted. Low and behold, five million views. It was a proud moment for me as a father to watch him get hit in the chest with a baseball and only cry for a couple of minutes. I can’t let this stuff go on anymore. I have to shut it down. These little bonehead, knucklehead, butthead, punks. Some of them – I’m not saying they’re kids. Some of them are old as heck. Some of them are grandmas. And they shouldn’t be making content on the Internet. I ain’t trying to be a bully. But your fifteen minutes … all of your fifteen minutes … is over. So we’re here in Encino, California. I’m thrilled. Today we’re talking to Dad and The Champ, which is a channel dedicated to a father and son and their misadventures and the quest for viral fame. I guess that’s a pretty succinct way to put it actually. I feel it’s my responsibility as a parent. It’s my duty as a parent to get him as many views … as visible … Hey, buddy. We’re working here, so, just, you need to … Okay? This is important. I wanted to be Indiana Jones and Hans Solo or Captain Kirk – whatever. You know, and I was working toward those things. And they were going to happen. I was getting there and I was right on the cusp and then this little miracle came along and you know what? It was time for me to not be so selfish. You know, it was time for me to pass along my dream to him. The kid, as far as I can tell, is not really into viral videos but his dad has a camera out all the time just recording every single memory they have. Unfortunately, for the kid the memories aren’t great. You want to get a medal? Let’s do jiu-jitsu! Never even done it before. We had to borrow a kid’s gi. We throw him out there and, uh … You never go high. You go low. Why do you always have to make fun of — I’m not making fun. I’m just saying if you go high you saw what happens when you go high. You gotta go low. Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Oh yeah! After I fell down and my dad stopped doing the cha-ching cha-ching stuff, a woman walked by with her daughter and asked me, “Are you okay?” And then dad said to her, “No, we’re rich.” So, Charles, Colton’s uncle reached out to us and said, “Jason, I’ve seen your show and I believe in your power. Please come out here and save my nephew’s life.” My brother’s a jackass. He’s got videos of him getting hit with baseballs, falling off a bike, and slammed in jiu-jitsu. I mean, what’s next? You just hit him in the head with a two-by-four or run him over with a truck or something? You need some star power to really drive the show. I read somewhere there was going to be a book signing with Dick Van Dyke down at a Barnes and Noble. He had no idea what was going on but, I, you know? What a moment. Sadly, it went on Hubo. Hubo? I mean, HBO. And now dad is so happy about me now being a movie star. Beyond the physical injury there’s just this emotional abuse. And Colton’s mom, Cody, she never spends any time with him and she never sleeps. She’s like a zombie. None of this is possible without my partner, Cody. She rides a train to do her paralegal job. She takes a train to work at a tollbooth. And then she takes a train back to the paralegal job to get the other train to get back home. She comes home and makes dinner. She does the laundry. She really – she does the gears. She does the gears that make the machine go. I’m driving the machine. It gives me the free time to sit there and think of things that I need to do with him. She’s gonna break. You know? That’s how you break people. You don’t let them sleep. That’s what they do in Guantanamo. She might even just snap and kill all of them. So, what I’m trying to say is, basically, without her being the engine I don’t have the time and the freedom to really try to get him where he needs to be. You know, there’s people out there probably watching this like, “Hey, I have a channel and I’m trying to make my family famous.” Yeah, we know you are. Everyone is. And guess what? It ain’t cool, man. Don’t be sitting there trying to make your kid into a viral video star, because your kid, chances are, probably don’t have no star potential. I’m just being real. With dad and the videos, I don’t really care. I’m mostly bored because it feels like chores. You’re not seeing the value in it now but trust me — I’m only a kid for 10 years or so. Right! And we have to get those moments. Who wants to see a 20-year-old get hit with a pitch? Who wants to see a 20-year-old get destroyed in a jiu-jitsu match? No, we gotta do this while you’re nine, while you’re eight. I would like to see a 20-year-old get hit in the chest. Well, we’ll work on that later. How about I throw a ball in your chest? I’m going to talk to Colton. I’m going to talk to Eddie. I’m going to say, “Listen guys, you need to live your life, love your family and kill your content.” Ahh! Oh! I miss mommy. Oh, this is going to be exciting. Here we go. All right. Hey, what’s going on, guys? Hey, Eddie. What’s up, man? Hey, what’s going on? We can’t really interview you while you’re filming us. Do you know what I mean? You don’t think it’d be kind of cool doing both interviews? Don’t you think it’d be — No, I don’t think it would. I don’t know if it would at all. Right. You want to go viral, right? Yeah, that’s the goal. Can you stop filming for like half a day? Is that something that’s possible? I mean, this really wasn’t stated before Well, I didn’t know it was a spoken thing. I didn’t know we had to speak it. I’d appreciate it. You’re doing us a favor. Yeah. I’ll do you a favor. You do us a favor. Yeah, sure. All right. Come on. Come on in. So here we are with Eddie and Colton, The Dad and The Champ. So what was it like to meet Dick Van Dyke and how did it come about? Dad was just like, “Get out there and show and show that dude …” How to step in time. Basically. And then he just pushed me off the side into the front of the line. And he nailed it, man. He nailed it. Eddie, what would be your perfect day? I think the perfect day would be to wake up, grab a little breakfast, find out where there’s something happening. Whether it’s a parade or a marathon or a carnival. Somewhere where there’s a large gathering of people. We go there and — I can see how old this tree was when they carved it. I just want him to have what I want, you know? Just what I wanted to be … to walk down the street and to be recognized and for people to look up to him; those opportunities that come along with having a viral video. I feel miserable. Colton, what would be your perfect day? Throwing footballs and like hitting baseballs with my dad. And just like having a fun dad. And having a dad that could enjoy his life with mine. And the last time I had that day was, like, never. Eddie, any thoughts on that? Um, did you get that? That was good. You can always live a normal life. You can always have that later on, but there’s only — Can you though? If you don’t have that normal youth? There’s only a couple of years on your lifetime as a kid. Just like … Right now. That is the only second in 2018 that we’re ever going to have for that day. Compared to your other seconds, how did that second feel? Good, because my dad froze and wasn’t talking. Wow. I’m the breadwinner, I’d say. That’s fair – for now while they – it’s like an investment in our future – you know, like, the boys doing their thing. Exactly. Exactly. Um, but yeah. I work ugh, probably like eighty hours a week, I’d say. Something like that. Sixteen or seventeen hours a day. Something like that. Yeah. So, if you do that math, I work a lot. When I get home, I like to run all the errands; you know, grocery shop and do the laundry. Man, you boys can go through some clothes. You’re wearing seven outfits a day. Sometimes there is wardrobe changes. I don’t want him in the same shirt all the time with the videos and stuff. Yes, and I really want to support everybody’s dreams. She’s sort of like the executive producer. She does the money. She brings the money in. And I’m sort of the director with the artistic vision. Oh, the producer. I like that. So, you’re like the producer. I’m the director. And we have our little star. I think it works as a nice little studio we have here, you know? You don’t want the money people coming in and making the creative decisions because then that can be a mess. Oh no. Yeah, I’m just going to throw this out there. If Eddie got a job, maybe you’re a weekend toll booth operator. That way you’re not doing eighty hours a week. I mean, I think what we have right now really works. The other day I came over and and she was in the kitchen and she was boiling corn syrup. It actually smelled like candy corn, but I thought maybe she was making candy corn and she was like, “No, I’m boiling eggs.” This whole family could fall apart. Some people might look at this. Some people – I’m not saying me. But I’m saying some people might look at this and say, “Hey, you’re exploiting your son. Let him live a normal life. You’re going to ruin his future.” What would you say to those people? Kylie Jenner is like a billionaire and people love to hate on her. You know. That doesn’t … I mean, she’s a billionaire. Why would you? Is it worth it? Does it make sense? You can finish up the second half of this in a couple of years and you’ll see it was all worth it. It’s going to be worth it. What was the question? [glass breaks] I knew it! I knew it! Let me talk to you one-on-one, okay? If we ask Colton what he wants, and he says, “I don’t want to make videos,” will you guys stop making videos? You don’t think that Colton wants to make videos? I think he just wants to be a kid. And, you know what? I think your husband wants to be a kid too. We’re going to experience life right now with no cameras, okay? You guys ready for that? How long are we doing this? Well, as long as we can go. Let’s do it as long as we can. How about that, okay? We just want you guys to be aware, awake, and just in the moment. So on three we’re going to start. One … two … three. We’re awake. We’re present. Okay. This sucks. All right, here, Colton. Here, I’ve got an idea. There’s a hose right there. Just take this. I’ve got my phone. Just spray. Just spray him and it’ll hit the camera. He doesn’t want to do it. Eddie, that was seven seconds you lasted. That wasn’t even ten seconds. We’re going to go inside. It’ll be funny. Spray me with a hose? I mean, why would that — It’s something. This standing here is nothing. It’s something. Something. And, on his farm, he had some pigs. Ee-i-ee-i-o! The start of it all. That’s Darth Maul. Is this the kind of stuff you like to do? Not to be on camera, but to make films? Yeah, basically. I also wrote a script for a thing I’m making, but we should probably go because dad probably wants to make a video. Has there ever been a time when you’ve cared less about, you know, viralness and more about Colton’s happiness? I mean, he’s got toys and food. He’s got stuff that kids want. Hey, guys. What the hell are you doing here? What do you mean, “What am I doing here?” You don’t just walk in the house. I’m your brother. I’m just coming by to say hi. Okay. You said hi and now it’s time to go. Hey, what’s up, buddy? No. You don’t just — High-five! You don’t just walk in. I don’t need haters in my space, okay? We have something going on here. Hater? I just stopped by to see how my brother’s doing, how my nephew’s doing, how my sister-in-law’s doing — She’s fine. They’re all fine. You can go now. Do you want me to go, Colton? No. Yeah, come on, buddy! No! You don’t ask him. You ask me! I can see — Look, I’m just here to check to make sure you’re not dropping him off the roof! Say it! Uncle! Uncle what? Uncle Charles! Uncle Charles! Uncles Charles! What’s up, bud? Good! What was the last book your read? The Incredibles Two. Oh, that sounds like a movie. What happens in it? Um, it’s basically the same thing as the movie. You guys don’t get along, huh? No, not really. Why … why not? He just thinks he knows, but he doesn’t even have a kid. I’m a father. I know what’s best for my son. He just comes and puts his nose in because he has some idea about what he thinks is parenting. I think your brother, you know, if you’re a wolf, he’s a lamb. Right? A lamb that can kick your ass, you know, it looks like. You know, men in general, we have a pretty funny way of showing that we care about someone else and his way is just to barge into your house — And assault me. Well, I wouldn’t call it — Basically assault me. Simple assault probably, yeah. Simple assault. If he says, “We’re going to the zoo,” you have my phone number, right? Uh huh. I want you to text me and let me know. I’ll come and meet you guys at the zoo. Okay. Okay? Because we don’t need another Harambe situation on our hands. I tell him to leave. He doesn’t leave. I try to escort him out of my house. The next thing I know, I’m in an armbar and my kid’s cheering. That hurts doesn’t it? Because you were doing something you didn’t want to do. You didn’t want to have your arm barred by your brother, right? But you had to because he had your arm barred. I didn’t really have a choice. He sort of just physically forced me into it. Does that remind you of any situation you can think of? How do you think I found out about you and Colton? Yep, that’s right. Do you know who Harambe is? No. This kid fell into the gorilla cage and they had to shoot the gorilla to save the kid’s life. Oh, wow. You don’t want to be responsible for a gorilla dying, do you? No. Let’s hear what they have to say and if you don’t like what they have to say, then do me a favor and just sit through it. Just listen. I’ll listen, but it’s … just to get him out of my house. Just, if that’s what it takes, fine. When it’s all said and done, you might feel better about everything. You might have a new outlook. Not like the phoenix​ rising out of the ashes, but you might be the dad who finally figures out like what’s going on. Probably not. Okay. All right. Well, let’s go. I’m going to follow you in. You guys might have had the assumption that I was here to help you go viral. I don’t care about going viral, Eddie. The Internet is a terrible place. I’ve been there. You guys have all been on it, right? It’s a wasteland void of any humanity or respect for any people. And we don’t think that your son should really be a part of that world yet. I know what I want to do. I know what’s best for him, what’s best for me, what’s best for Cody. I know what’s best for my family, okay? I don’t need you. And I don’t need you or any of this. We’re going to start with Charles, your brother, who’s known you his whole life. How have you been affected by Eddie and his channel, Dad and The Champ? Well, first of all, I mean, and this is the least of my worries but it is something that happens. I get judged by my colleagues and co-workers. They wonder why I can’t step in and say something like, “Oh, you’re endangering –” It’s none of their business. And then just beyond that, I care about you. And I care about Colton. I care about Cody. And I don’t want Colton to be seriously injured. And I don’t want him to get emotionally injured and have his childhood taken away from him. And I live with this fear that she is going to have a psychotic break and stab you in the head. You’re almost like overconnected, but not to your son – to your own dream of what you want your son to be. Whereas, she just comes home in this daze like a half-dead zombie not knowing what’s going on and looking like trash all the time. Just bags under her eyes looking terrible. Um? She looks like trash. Yeah. I mean, I came in here the other day and she was vacuuming the driveway. I love you. And I hate your content. I hate your videos and I hate what you’re doing to Colton That was very succinct, Charles. Thank you for that. Cody, how have these videos affected you and your life? I’m just so tired. I’m just exhausted. If you could just give a little bit more to the family, you know? And you do so much already. But, even if you just got like a part-time gig that would just really help me out and help out with the finances and I could maybe just sleep a little bit more and be a little more present in your lives, you know? Dad, honestly, I don’t really want to be a movie star. Honey, I mean, if he doesn’t want to do it … Here’s the deal, Eddie. You can either keep going down this path toward fame and what you think is fortune. I got news for you. The Internet doesn’t’ pay a lot these days. You know, if you get a video that does ten million views, that’s maybe forty bucks. Like, that’s just real talk. Yeah. So you can continue down this path and push your son to be something he doesn’t’ want to be or you can stop, you can kill your content today, delete it all, and promise us you’ll never make anymore videos. Because, I got to tell you the truth, Eddie. I’ve been viral. Sportscenter’s Top-Ten Plays, CNN, Fox Sports, MSNBC, NBC, Fox News, local Fox. I’ve been all over the world; different TV shows and websites. Stuff I can’t even read. I don’t even know what the language is. I put it into translator and it can’t even tell me what it is. Sri Lanka? I don’t even know where it’s at. I’m your son’s future. All right? I’ve been a viral star. Is this what you want for him? No! Oh, my God. Your son could be anything but, instead, you want him to be me? No. You want him to jump out of an airplane dressed as an Amish man? Is that art? No! No, it’s so dumb. That’s so stupid! Oh, my God. What have I done? Nobody wants to end up like him. Will you stop today? Will you kill your content? It’s lowbrow nonsense. Sweetheart. Yeah, yeah. If he’s going to – yeah, yes. Can we get a pinky swear to Colton? Can we see a pinky swear? That’s not a pinky finger, Eddie. We need a pinky finger. There we go. It’s official. Oh, sweetheart! Oh, family hug! Normally, I don’t tell parents how to raise their kids because I don’t have any but I do know the Internet and when someone is wasting their dang time. If only I could grab all the other disillusioned parents out there and just shake their stupid bodies and say, “Stop filming your kids all the time,” the world might be a better place, but I can’t. You’re better off just living our life, enjoying those precious moments yourself, and making videos to show your friends and family, because – once it gets out on the Internet – you no longer own it. So remember: live your life, love your family, kill your content. It’s been three months. I still don’t have a job but I’m looking. It’s been really nice having an extra helping hand around the house and not having to do so much laundry from all the costume changes. So, hopefully soon, you’ll be able to work less. I tried to get Eddie a job at my office, but it didn’t work out. We had a little family picnic last Sunday. We did have a family picnic. I made some sandwiches. It was nice. Yeah, it was great. They’re a family now. They’re a real family. Thank you, Jason, for giving me my dad back and making my life normal again. Aww. Thank you so much, Jason, for coming out and helping Eddie to kill his content. I’ve actually got a girlfriend now. Not to make it about me, but I do. Um, so, I’m happier too. You gotta give me that footage. You gotta give it to me. You gotta give it to me. Hey! Give me it!

Comments (3)

  1. AWESOME! – Eddie and Colton (mostly Colton) were very very funny – Great writing too!

  2. Cha-ching cha-ching!

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